“The negative thoughts used to be constant” – Olivia-Mae’s story

Olivia-Mae explores what it’s like to live with a disability, as well as severe depression and anxiety. After recovering from a suicide attempt, she now lives independently and is proud of her resilience.

When I was young, I was diagnosed with dyspraxia, a disorder that affects movement and co-ordination. Dyspraxia affects me in many ways: sensitivity to loud noises, textures, problems with memory, processing and understanding information or new skills, my ability to write. It affects my daily living: dressing, washing, making meals, social situations.

Dealing with dyspraxia as a child was especially difficult – you’re learning day by day about your disability, you don’t understand or know whats going on and can’t express your emotions. I praise my parents so much and appreciate them, especially as dyspraxia isn’t well known and we had to get our information from professionals and therapists.

I’ve also had severe chronic pain since I was very young. I am in constant pain with my legs, can’t walk long distances or stand for very long. I’ve been told by doctors that I’ll have to learn to live with my pain and manage for the rest of my life. Right now, hot baths and deep heat are my only solution but they just offer temporary relief.

At school, I experienced horrific bullying by a certain class of kids and some teachers. This tramatised me, and I’ve struggled with severe depression and anxiety since. This bullying lasted until I left school and I became mute for a while. Years after school, I was consumed by the bullying inside my head, like my mind was torturing me and I couldn’t get away. 

I really struggled with the pain and sadness of keeping what I went through to myself. At my darkest points, I had voices in my head, horrible thoughts and dreams. When I tried to get CAMHS (Child And Mental Health Services) involved, they refused. I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to end my life.

Antidepressants have really helped me to push the negative thoughts away. The negative thoughts used to be constant, but I only get the odd one now if I’m feeling low. I’ve been taking medication for years now and it’s a good tool. I finished three years at college, studying animal management, which I really enjoyed. I was introduced to a counsellor in college and would go to her instead of hiding away. 

My biggest achievement is moving out at 24 and living independently which I thought I’d never be able to do. I am in a safe, supported living building, surrounded by lovely people and my two cats. I’ve lived here for two years now and have learnt new skills – cooking, making meals, taking part in new activities. I interact and speak with people. My mum, dad, sister and pets have always been by my side.

I have a passion for raising awareness about mental illness and disabilities. I still struggle everyday, but I keep pushing through and not giving up. When I’m out and about, I use my wheelchair which gives me freedom. It took me a while to be confident in my wheelchair and not care what others think or say.